The Slut Button.

Britney punched it. Christina Aguilera punched it. Abby Viduya, Maui Taylor, and Rica Peralejo punched it. The Olsen Twins are old enough to punch it. There’s talk (mostly between the wife and myself) on whether Hilary Duff or Lindsay Lohan will be the first to give in to the urge, to press… the slut-button.

I imagine the slut-button is housed in a top-secret maximum security location: behind the "O" in the Hollywood sign, perhaps, or locally, somewhere in Kris Aquino’s lingerie closet. If your career expiry date starts to make its presence felt when you’re at that precious age of eighteen, maybe all you have to do is book an appointment with the button, get there with your agent, and push.

They have good reasons for pushing. The considerable male demographic of slavering Internet geeks and pimply teenagers reliably fork over the cash to watch former teen cutie-pies lose their innocent act and bare all. It’s the ultimate male fantasy (next to three-ways with hot Swedish twins… so I hear). All over the Internet, countdowns to hot underage female stars’ 18th birthdays are all the rage. (The Olsen twins, the first prominent subjects of this strange Internet obsession, just turned 18, uneventfully, it seems.)

Pervy? Oh god yes. And there’s good money to be made, milking the desires and wallets of teenagers and misanthropes who, ironically, have the least chance of scoring with their dream underage muffin. Good to know when your cuteness has run its course, and it’s time to resort to stronger stuff. It’s an impulse that’s been around as long as movies have been made. Which leads us back to the slut button. Last I heard, Anne Curtis was seen skulking around Kris Aquino’s front gate...